Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

By Staff Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers

DAMASCUS- If peace were a penthouse, it could come with a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker entry. That's the eyesight at the rear of Trump Tower Damascus, the most up-to-date geopolitical development-slash-luxury housing calamity released by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.

Certainly, the man who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Picture catalogs has now set his eye on the Middle East. And not the usual Dubai skyline filler either-no, we're chatting Damascus, the city Traditionally recognized for historic lifestyle, deadly proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with sights of contested airspace.

"It'll be great. Remarkable!" Trump declared by using a leaked golfing cart Zoom connect with, streamed with the putting eco-friendly inside of Mar-a-Lago's Problem Bunker. "We've experienced attractive ceasefires in Syria. Some of the very best. But now, we are developing them with balconies."

Welcome into the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour

The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus like a shaved alpaca in the falafel stand-puzzled, majestic, and fully away from place. Designed by Slovenian organization Ivana & Sons, the tower options:

A 3-flooring Casino du Caliphate

The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation

A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Joyful Hour right until the drone flies")

Plus a nine/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely referred to as "deeply American."

Eyewitnesses claimed mixed reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a local textile merchant, sighed, "We waited 10 decades for potable water. But Sure, certain, let us have One more spot exactly where American Adult males can dress in robes and call it diplomacy."

Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When requested how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and a pillow menu, not surprisingly."

Ceasefire by Cabana

U.S. overseas plan analysts are calling this probably the most audacious peace endeavor since Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. Though prior negotiations failed underneath the load of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's plan is simpler: present Every person a set on the 72nd floor and comp their mojitos.

According to files printed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal involves "luxury diplomacy":

Ceasefires brokered by towel boys

Poolside arbitration among rebel leaders

A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, complete with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.

"This is often comfortable electrical power," claimed political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian TV, wielding a contract as well as a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO does not. Geopolitical gridlock requirements less diplomats and even more minibar upgrades."

Just what the Critics Are Screaming

International watchdogs have sounded the alarm, mainly into gold-plated intercoms mounted in Each and every unit. The UN Specific Rapporteur for Conflict of Interest observed, "It's actually not that Trump should not open up a tower inside a war zone. It's that he must stop applying it to lease ballroom Area to mercenaries."

Joe Biden, when requested about the task, replied, "You recognize, person, I the moment rode a camel in Beirut. Excellent men and women. Terrific tan. Anyway, do I however have that ice product?"

In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a set for "upcoming proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred on the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility in the Levant."

Satellite Images Expose… Trumpface Landscaping

Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit exposed that the hotel's landscaping kinds an enormous Trump head seen from Place, a function being marketed as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is created from refugee tents as well as the chin is… perfectly, labeled.

Environmental groups have filed lawsuits after acquiring the making's gold plating reflected a great deal of sunlight it spontaneously blinded 3 migrating storks and set fire to a local melon cart.

"It's not simply unattractive. It's a war crime with curtains," mentioned Amnesty Global's regional director.

The Melania Wing and also other Complicated Characteristics

Perhaps the strangest ingredient of the tower is its Melania Wing, which includes:

A silent atrium wherever guests could ponder vague disappointment

A replica of her Slovenian Bed room, finish with local weather Management established to "distant"

A museum of expressions, which includes her "I do not care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Display screen.

Neighborhood Syrians are unsure what to make of this. "Is she a ghost?" asked twelve-yr-outdated Ahmad, pointing to the holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.

Marketing and advertising Strategy: "For those who Bomb It, They are going to Appear"

The advert campaign, recently leaked via the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. A person poster reads:

"Peace is Temporary. Luxurious is Eternally."

A different slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso stores:

"A Tower So Huge, Even Assad Has to note."

Community reception is wildly divided. A recent SnapPoll done inside of a hookah lounge displays:

34% say "it would stabilize the region"

29% say "this can escalate regional kitsch"

eighteen% explained "the place's the closest elevator for the West Bank?"

Trader Praise: "Lastly, a Disaster That Pays"

The job is previously attracting focus from international buyers, such as:

A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights as a international minister

The Russian Guild of Oligarchs

And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who stated he'll obtain a few penthouses "in order to flex on Hezbollah."

Based on a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's business stage will even include:

A Greenback Shop of Geopolitical Alliances

A Theme Park Referred to as 'SanctionsLand'

And Trump Tower Damascus an Escape Space According to the Iraq War

Remark Section Chaos

Within the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb posting about the revealing, person @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:

"Are not able to wait around to discover a marriage in the middle of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades as an alternative to rice."

User @SyrianSnarkLord commented:

"Last but not least, a resort wherever my PTSD can have change-down provider."

Yet another write-up from @KuwaitiKardashian merely asked:

"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"

Diplomatic Domino Effect

U.S. officials stress the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real Estate Arms Race." Studies recommend:

China might open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad

Putin's daughter is preparing a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk

And Elon Musk has allegedly made available to make a Tesla showroom about the Golan Heights powered by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.

Even the Vatican has gotten associated. Based on https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has made available to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the highest flooring "The Holy See-Stage Suite."

Ultimate Feelings in the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™

Inside a closing ceremony that associated 3 camels, a flamethrower, and a hologram of Reagan supplying a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed above the speakers:

"Damascus required hope. It desired gold. It desired a waterslide shaped such as the Constitution. I gave all of it a few. You happen to be welcome."